Feeling Lost and Finding Yourself

when you start losing sight
of your dreams and goals
when all hope seems to have disappear
and that flame of passion
is now just smoke
remember, you hold the power
the power to start the flame
that once burned in your chest
after all, it is you that hold the match
and you that choose when to light it
– Angelia Vang

For the longest time, I had followed what everyone wanted me to do. I got good grades. I was the golden child. I did as my family and society asked of me. At the age of 14, my family broke apart due to divorce. I turned to books. I faded in and out of reality into other realms that I found through reading. Reading was my safe haven. It allowed me to immerse myself into other characters. It allowed me to escape myself.

I had always felt like I didn’t quite belong. I didn’t know who I was. What I wanted. I felt like my life had been planned for me. I felt stuck in a cage. Unable to fly. At the age of 18 I got a tattoo of a bird behind my ear. That bird was my freedom. Now that I was 18 I would be leaving the nest. The bird was my motivation and reminder to set myself free. To discover for myself the meaning of life, what life I could live, and who I was.

I thought going to college would help me find myself. Little did I know this would be the beginning of my journey to completely losing myself. Fast forward time to junior year, I had completely lost every sense of myself. My being. All my values were challenged. What I thought I was supposed to do did not feel right anymore. It no longer aligned with me. I realized at that moment that I had been pleasing others for so long even when I thought I was finally finding myself. Boy, I was so wrong. I was still following society’s beliefs.

I made a vow to myself in the summer of 2017. I would start to strip every bit of me that didn’t align with my goals; my dreams. I wrote down everything I wanted, everything I loved about myself, everything I didn’t like about myself and the things that should be changed. I learned a lot through this process. I learned that all along I was always me except in hiding. The true me was inside of me all along. I just hid everything about myself in a corner of my heart. Afraid to show the world who I am. I’m not sure why… Maybe because society was scary. The world was scary. 

But now that I am closer than ever to my truest self, my only wish is for others to look within themselves to uncover who they truly are. You are not lost, just hidden. Hidden somewhere underneath all your fears and worries. Set them aside, do what makes you feel raw and vulnerable and I guarantee you that you will start to uncover your true self within a matter of time. This process isn’t easy. It is a long journey but it is worth it.

There is so much we don’t know about ourselves. So much that we have not yet explored. We are our very own universe. We only see what we reach out towards. It’s like walking in the dark. You only know what is there when your hands touch something. Everything else is unknown in the pitch black. So keep striving for growth, keep utilizing the tools and resources whether it be through work, art, music, reading, whatever releases your soul, to explore the universe that you are.

Inspired by You Are A Badass by Jen Sincero. I highly recommend this book if you are searching to uncover more about yourself, who you are, and your universe. Don’t be afraid.

Music inspiration: George Taylor “Come Follow Me Down”